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Poetry from a tired Heart:

PROBABILITIES
What if hell isn’t a lake of fire ready for all sinners, waiting to burn them for all eternity.
Maybe just like Dante Allegori created his nine rings of hell, with different punishments according to your sin on earth, maybe it’s just a tale.
Maybe hell is all about perspection.
It’s not just for the sinners but for all humans who will walk the surface of the earth.
What if Hell is here on earth.
Found somewhere in our heart.
Maybe sometimes somewhere in our soul.
What if its the point you get to when we lose this two crucial parts of being human.
The heart and the soul.
Nothing could possibly hurt more than losing this two things.
What if Hell is when we lose our consciousness.
When we choose to let go of the ability to fight the darkness that lurks in all our hearts.
When no single odd is in your favour.
When you lose everything worth fighting for.
When you pick the choice of greater evil because of its easier path.
When you choose to simply exist because of past experiences.
It could be that it comes in all forms.
Everyone suffers.
That would explain why bad things happen to good people.
Why life appears to be unfair, when in actuality every one suffers based on what they can take on or their decision.
Because having to wait til thy kingdom come to see an evil man get his due, just doesn’t cut it for humans anymore.
No one wants to hold on to a fleeting hope of a lake of fire beneath the earth.
No one has ever seen it.
What happens then if at the end, after all the rules, everything changes.
No lake of fire after all, but now we have to love the very ones we have been hoping will get punished.
Life is filled with so many unreplied what ifs.

Honest conversations

Of all my deepest irrational fears,
Destroying everything I seem to touch is one that is always lurking not too far from the surface.
Its always here so much I even make up names for it just so my subconscious can rest.
Commitment issues, inconsistency meticulousness and inability to connect.
I could go on with my life, pretending that it’s one of those things that make me, me.
The invariable distinction that makes me different.
But the truth is, being different doesn’t make you special and in turn I might never be.
I’m just someone who has become too afraid to take a leap of fate because deep down I know somehow, I will always crash and burn.
These feelings didn’t just come from no where, they carefully manifested. Its manifestation goes from one extreme to the other.
Like when I don’t feel like I’m ever good enough for anything one moment to when I feel too good.
Manifestation from childhood when I was told I couldn’t get anything right, when a sibling was always better at everything, when I was always compared to others that were simply amazing. Or the times I was told I was too careless to get anything right.
Times I didn’t have friends of my age, so l never learnt how to mingle. Likewise having very few childhood memories that were actually meant for a child.
In all I wouldn’t take anything back, they all gave way for not just my irrational fears, but for a creature that was simply loveable amongst all other things.
I just wish for one thing, to let the one lurking not so far from the surface not consume me. I really hope I’m good enough to not mess up everything I come in contact with.
At least not everything.
And I hope one day, someone understands enough to not push the wrong buttons.

 

To second chances

If you ever had a chance, I am sure you would have been every thing she wanted. Your mom was too scared to let you stay.
She was more worried about the world than keeping you safe.
Under normal circumstances, she would have been different.
Please forgive her, she is human after all, and immensely flawed one at that contrary to what others might think, crippled mostly by her quest to be logical than to follow her heart.
Your father was only doing what he felt was best for your mom.
He says you will come back one day,
He says you will even have a mark to prove to your mom that she didn’t lose you.
Maybe he was right, maybe he isn’t.
Maybe he was only trying to make sure your mom doesn’t hate herself.
Maybe he just wanted to give her a little hope to hold on to.
You can’t really blame him, he is only a man in love, one who is afraid he is about to lose his love. Hey, shit happens, its totally unfair that good people get caught up in live’s tsunami.
You will understand better when you get here but until then I will tell you all you need to know. So now she promises to light a candle for you on the eighth of every month.
To her, that was the day she knew for a fact, that you existed, and at the same time, it was the day she had a meltdown, because she knew she couldn’t keep you. That was really the day she lost you contrary to everything else.
She hopes you come back one day just so she could show you all the love she can give. One day, she hopes all the pain will go away.
But until then, all she has are the glowing ambers from your candles to remind her of what could have been if only she was as strong as everyone thought.

Written by Alexandria

 

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